Helpful tips for the aspiring urban cowboy

Subject:

Got you a hankering to bust a bronc, rope a calf, ride a bull or wrangle an armadilla? Well fuck yes you have! Here's my short list of tips for the (mechanical) bull-riding neophyte:

  1. Before mounting the beast, take a close look at its surroundings. A bare steel base with lots of sharp corners is not a good sign. Neither is an underinflated cushion.
  2. Don't wear sandals while riding a mechanical bull. This will only anger the operator. He'll see you climb up there with those goddamn hippie jesus-shoes, and he'll try to make you his bitch. And likely succeed.
  3. Never, ever, let a group of germans in cowboy boots goad you into getting up on a mechanical bull. They'll say they've already done it, that there's nothing too it, and no, you won't get hurt. Don't believe 'em.
  4. Don't listen when a self-procliamed redneck in a sportcoat says "C'mon, time to go ride the bull." It ain't gonna work out well for either of you.
  5. For the love of God, don't get your ass flung off a mechanical bull a week before your wedding. Your future bride will not approve. Chicks may dig scars, but they don't seem go for bruises the size of dinner plates and a limp.